Hasbeens Match Report 19 Oct 09

It will be recorded in history as one of the great arm-wrestles of the modern touch footy era. Played in conditions that would rival the average game of touch on a normal Icelandic afternoon in winter, or the dark side of the moon (i.e. no light), the Hasbeens succumbed to a deluge of bad ref calls and dubious sportsmanship.

Forever to be remembered as a hit only bettered by the Fuifui Moimoi-Ben Hannant clash of the 2009 NRL final, our very own Adam Connolly put a major one on his esteemed team mate Dave Ekins. Remarkably to all watching and to Ekins himself, he (Ekins) was back on his feet within minutes, and went on later to score a brilliant solo try, skirting the left sideline with his inimitable high-stepping style. ASADA drug testers have been notified.

No doubt, Connolly's step back into Ekins surprised not only Ekins but also Connolly. The grip on his new white as white shoes, marked with an X, as in "X for Xavier the red Vespa rider in the pink shirt" propelled him in new directions at such speed he really had no idea where he was going. At one point, neither did the defence, as Xavier saw a gaping hole and went straight through to open the Hasbeens tally for the evening. He later commented that it "was like taking corn from a blind parrot".

Other highlights included Sammy "Raging Bull" Turnbull's hit on the opposing team's 'captain of dickhead-ness', a fellow of loathsome character who had a habit of calling out where he was going to pass the ball, in the futile hope that the Hasbeens would fall for his "oral dummy". The Hasbeens might be slow, old, decrepid, unfit, tactically moronic and lacking ball skills...but we didn't come down in the last shower sonny jim.

Loathsome-oral-dummy-thrower only scored 2 tries and put 3 others on, in a quiet night for a man of his immense skill, or rather, general 'immensity' (read, large, polyester shorts, with... dare I say... a bloody Wallabies logo on them. Fair dinkum, we are so desperate for supporters in rugby we'll let any dickhead become a fan these days).

The Hasbeens' followers were devastated by the one-eyed calls given all night by the 'referee'. He seemed like an ok bloke, but he was clearly on the payroll of one of the opponent's illegal brothels or meth labs.

The Hasbeens will re-group, having made their complaints known to the referee's review panel, and intend to put some more hits on in future weeks.

Upcoming reports will contain mentions of other players once I learn their names...